Day 10

I’m a third of the way in.  And I’m tired.  Getting happy is a lot of work, which is probably why most people are unhappy – it’s far easier.  I’ve heard from a few people who are little further down the happiness line and they assure me this stuff turns second nature, but tonight, today, is an effort.  I have no profound statements to share, nothing kind or wise to say.  I’m tired.  But I’m here.  And that’s what counts, right?  Please say it counts.

Meditation

Started the day with it again, but set an alarm (thank you for that suggestion).  I actually had a bit of a rough night last night; lots of almost-lucid dreams, and I could never figure out where reality was, and once I found it, it was hard to settle into.  Meditation this morning provided some comfort.  Still on 20 minutes, so I guess that’s some progress.

Exercise

I walked home again today.  I had to book it because I was having people over for dinner, and I showed up sweaty.

Random Act of Kindness

Today was payday.   I usually get excited about paydays because I have enough money for the “good wine.”  Instead of the “good wine,” I calculated the cost of a week’s worth of bottles and donated that to pancreatic cancer research.  That’s what ultimately took my grandmother, and it took her mother from her.  They were close, and I know that losing her mother devastated her, so I made the donation in my grandmother’s and great-grandmother’s honor.  My liver is the only thing about me right now that is overjoyed.

Reflect on something good that happened

Someone wrote to me today to say that I was “super cute.”  I feel decidedly super un-cute.  I’ve been amazingly single for a while, without any nibbles on the bait, so it was sweet, and definitely the highlight of the day.

3 things I’m grateful for

1)   I accomplished a lot this week

2)   I don’t want to be in this today, but I’m here anyway

3)   The really amazing comments from people that help to ensure that “I’m here anyway”

Sorry, guys.  I feel like I’m letting you down with this posting.  Fingers crossed I have more in me tomorrow.

Day 10

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28 comments

  1. Tom Pyun

    I don’t know you from “Adam,” but I’m super inspired by your journey and am now following the same daily steps as you as a result: meditation, acts of kindness, gratitude, etc. Thank you. I’ve never felt better and had more clarity. Big hugs to you on this tough day.

  2. Rin

    Randy,
    No apologies. This project is for you, not for us. But we’re so glad you’ve chosen to share with us! By the way, I’ve been struggling with getting back into early morning exercise and you’ve inspired me to start with morning sun salutations. Great idea, thank you!

  3. Sandra Sallin

    Because of you when I was at the market today, I bought extra food and looked around for someone to give it to. Didn’t see anyone, so I left it on an outside counter hoping that someone will pick it up. Thanks Randy.

  4. Cindy del Valle

    You didn’t let us down, you are just keeping it real. Being happy also includes managing the days we are not so happy, and you did this. You also made this day more than about yourself, so success continues.

    • Bal

      Yes, yes, I absolutely second this! I posted yesterday thanking you, Randy, for sharing the ups and downs candidly, rather than glossing over the shit bits. So share the downs like Day 10 because they are NORMAL. And as everyone else says, you still bloody showed up, which is most of the battle.

  5. Niki Holmes

    It Counts! (with a CAPITAL C).
    …and you don’t have to be so hard on yourself. Living a full life is not easy. Loving yourself is not easy.
    I enjoy reading your posts every morning. They are like a little reminder for me to take care of myself. So thank you for your honesty, your integrity, and your sense of humor through this!

  6. Margene

    Even “happy” people aren’t happy every single day, Randy. Hope you see what you did with your RAOK…taking your pain and turning it into love. More progress than you can even measure. So proud of you!

  7. jdkcubed

    First I want to tell you what a kind and amazing person your are. Your journey exposes a lot of your self to us. I personally totally appreciate it and have grown as a result of reading your daily postings and THAT is an amazing random act of kindness. AND you have done it every day on top of your regular acts!!

    Your soul hole has a steak in this game as well. He does not want to be vanquished or filled or marginalized, he was doing just fine until you came along with all your Happiness non-sense. Every time that little voice says “don’t sit” or “it too late to exercise”, “your act of kindness wasn’t really” is the soul hole trying his best to halt this whole process. It LOVES being depressed or soaked in a bottle of wine. He rejoices when you get all caught up in his drama and story…

    Randy, every day counts sucky or not. I chuckle when you talk about be angry at everything or hating the sitting, been there, mostly because you own it and recognize it.That’s really all that counts. I know its hugely cliche but “It is what it is” and you seem to embrace it and keep coming back. Change is hard, Personal change is harder still..I think your efforts are herculean, I think regardless of what you say or how you feel (self-hate talk) You are a superhero! If you stopped today you would still be a superhero..(the soul holes giggles when you beat yourself up over stuff).

    Please check out “There is Nothing Wrong With You” by Cheri Huber…I think it will add some perspective into your journey. We are friends on Facebook. Message me your address I’ll see you get a copy 🙂

    One final note, try to remember that the days that are hardest have the most to show you….

    Rock On Happy Dude!

  8. Jennifer Maerz

    You’re not letting anyone down Randy. Everyone has rough days, and just because you’re doing a blog doesn’t mean you can’t have them too. As they say in those dharma talks, the crappy days “arise and they pass away.” There’s something new for you today. xo

  9. Lizzi; Considerer (@LRConsiderer)

    AND YET – here you are.

    It all TOTALLY counts. You’re still making the effort. Even when you’re doing it grudgingly, unwillingly, dragging your heels and hating every second, the point is that you are doing it ANYWAY – the willpower is stronger than the soul hole, my friend – even if it’s because you know you’re reporting back to us here (and isn’t that why you kinda made it public anyways?)

    You’re doing fabulously 🙂

    Now. Who called you cute, and how do they know? You gonna share any pics of yourself?

  10. Pamela

    My friend Loren just turned me on to your blog and it’s awesome – not only did you have the guts to kick depression’s ass but you are sharing it so honestly. Totally inspiring. I recently committed to 40 days of no alcohol and it’s no joke. I think lots of us know are realizing life is short and if we want to be happy then we need to stop doing things that make us unhappy. So if you lose heart, don’t lose heart – you aren’t alone!

    I do a lot of yoga but live in a place with no yoga studios. I use http://www.yogaglo.com. Fantastic yoga “classes” and meditations from 10-90 minutes. They are doing a free trial right now and it might make one part of this journey easier for you.

  11. Jennifer

    It counts! Showing up and being present is s huge part of the battle. Four fold way: show up, be present, speak your truth, and let go of the outcome. Hope you got some rest and that day 11 was better.

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