Day 27

OK, when I said this train was back on track, I didn’t necessarily mean both tracks.  We’re still limping along a bit.  Not terribly, but enough to warrant a little more sinking in this weekend.  Still, it was a successful week, and it’s Friday, and I’ve earned some movie time, so I’m gettin’ to it!

Exercise

Momma siren who lives in the bed took her sofa daughter’s defeat yesterday very personally, and she really made me pay for it today.  After some insomnia from about 3 a.m. to 4:30 a.m., the bed held me extra hard and rolling out this morning was hard.  I only got about ten minutes of yoga in—enough to start sweating, but not enough to feel satisfied.  Fortunately, I had some errands to run after work and had to do quite a bit of walking.

I’m really starting to look the goal of weight loss squarely in the eye and finally do something about these wine and depression pounds.  So exercise deserves a little more attention, and she shall have it this weekend.

Meditation

Meditation made insomnia much more productive.  It didn’t occur to me to try to use this meditation to help until about an hour’s worth of worrying, reading, and Netflix watching.  I finally closed everything down and focused on my breath for about thirty minutes, and then I was out.  Who knew?!  But I sure wish I’d have thought of that sooner.

Random act of kindness

I bought a sandwich at the market today for a woman that camps outside it to panhandle.  I made sure she had a napkin and condiments on the side.

3 things I’m grateful for

1)   I know it’s overdone, but damn I’m thankful for Fridays, and this one in particular.  He was a long week, he was.

2)   Today I’m very grateful for smart, helpful, and very kind work colleagues.

3)   If it’s wrong to be grateful for email, I don’t want to be right.  I’m terrible on the phone.  I hate it.  I feel awkward, it takes too long, the pressure to keep the conversation going, all the talking over each other, goodbyes that take 15 minutes.  Ugh.  And as a writer I express myself much better by…well, writing.  (Yes, I know that in my gratefuls, I’m actually expressing my ingratitude for the phone, but hear me out).  I’ve been thinking a lot about the importance of community in this work and in happiness overall, and it’s been comforting to be able to just shoot someone a quick note.  Even if they don’t respond, the sheer act of reaching out just makes you feel more connected somehow.  And when I get encouraging or supportive emails from others, I keep them, and when things feel low, I can reread them and remember that someone said something wise, or that someone cares.  Yeah, it may not be tea and crumpets over doilies and conversation, but a little goes a long way here.  Email, I really heart your guts out.

Day 27

Reflect on something good that happened

It occurred to me last night that there was a task at work I should have taken care of a week, if not two weeks, ago–hence last night’s insomnia.  I panicked.  I panicked hard.  Normally I’d go into a tailspin of self-hatred, fear of getting fired, and desperate attempts to find forgiveness, among other neurotic and out-of-proportion responses.  But today, I didn’t do that.  I might have gotten a tad cranky (sorry Becca) but for the most part I kept it together, and I used panic in a different way.  I used it to focus and give me the drive to get this task, one that I’ve been avoiding and dreading, done and over with with.  And everything turned out ok.  I’ve always reacted to panic with quiet, freaking-out, paralysis.  Today I realized that panic can indeed be a motivator, but it doesn’t need to be a decimator.

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12 comments

  1. Julie Phelps

    I love how meditative focus can help induce sleep. I emply the same trick at times.
    Your acts of kindness to homeless people makes me know we are kindred spirits in that way, too. While I lived in SF I often purchased dollar burgers to give away. Many times, after leaving a restaurant with a doggy bag, a 2-legged person received a nice treat. Good way for me to save taking in those unneeded extra calories 🙂

  2. Jeannie Patz

    I can completely relate to middle of the night work-related insomnia and panic. So happy you could eventually employ one of your daily tasks to talk yourself down from the panic and get back to sleep. Even better that you knew you couldn’t go one more day without getting the lingering work task completed. Avoidance and procrastination are probably the behaviors that cause me the most angst and dissatisfaction in my life.

    I think I’ve already said this, but I am so impressed with your commitment to this challenge. You’re working so hard!

  3. Cole

    I found your blog via our mutual friend Raymond Johnson. I have been reading every day. I love your writing and am rooting for you big time. You’re also inspiring me to be a kind of person… and to want to write more! Thanks for doing this.

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