I want to focus this post on gratitude—mostly because I need it. You’ll notice that I’m a week or two late. For some reason, this week was a tough one. All of the progress I’d felt I’d made came tumbling down this week as the funk enveloped me in its cozy darkness. I didn’t exercise, I didn’t meditate, I didn’t do anything except binge on food and drink and TV and misery. I don’t know why this week was special (or decidedly un-special), but I’m still trying to turn myself from a scared and angry puddle on the floor to something upright and human. It’s those hills again, right? Those moments in the valley when you notice a hill’s coming up that you’re going to have to put some effort into climbing. God, I hate hills.
I started climbing back up yesterday when I was at the market, and I ran into someone who works there, someone I suspect is an angel in disguise. He shows up at important moments, and although we have a quick, friendly exchange, he usually ends up surreptitiously revealing something to me. We were talking about the upcoming ride, and he said, “I hear that it becomes this big love fest, not that you need anymore reminding that you’re loved.” Wait, what? It hit me like a ton of bike racks—I’ve been feeling all lonely and depressed all while people are sending in donations to support me, commenting on the blog, giving me tons of encouragement in all kinds of ways. I remembered that I’m not out here on my own, and damn it why won’t this lesson stick?
So I got home, and I picked the tools back up. I read through my previous entries reminding future me that this would happen again, that depression would inevitably rear its ugly head and that I have the tools to cope with it. I read through the blog comments reminding me that I’m not alone in this. And I read through the roster of donors to remind me that I have people who support and care for me. And today I feel better and have the advice of past-Randy and a ton of other people to thank for it. To commenters, fellow depression fighters, friends, donors, and Alan at Whole Foods—I am so incredibly grateful to you for getting a man up a mountain. Thank you!