9 Weeks Remaining

I want to focus this post on gratitude—mostly because I need it.  You’ll notice that I’m a week or two late.  For some reason, this week was a tough one.  All of the progress I’d felt I’d made came tumbling down this week as the funk enveloped me in its cozy darkness.  I didn’t exercise, I didn’t meditate, I didn’t do anything except binge on food and drink and TV and misery.  I don’t know why this week was special (or decidedly un-special), but I’m still trying to turn myself from a scared and angry puddle on the floor to something upright and human. It’s those hills again, right? Those moments in the valley when you notice a hill’s coming up that you’re going to have to put some effort into climbing.  God, I hate hills.

I started climbing back up yesterday when I was at the market, and I ran into someone who works there, someone I suspect is an angel in disguise.  He shows up at important moments, and although we have a quick, friendly exchange, he usually ends up surreptitiously revealing something to me.  We were talking about the upcoming ride, and he said, “I hear that it becomes this big love fest, not that you need anymore reminding that you’re loved.” Wait, what?  It hit me like a ton of bike racks—I’ve been feeling all lonely and depressed all while people are sending in donations to support me, commenting on the blog, giving me tons of encouragement in all kinds of ways. I remembered that I’m not out here on my own, and damn it why won’t this lesson stick?

9 weeks

So I got home, and I picked the tools back up. I read through my previous entries reminding future me that this would happen again, that depression would inevitably rear its ugly head and that I have the tools to cope with it. I read through the blog comments reminding me that I’m not alone in this.  And I read through the roster of donors to remind me that I have people who support and care for me.  And today I feel better and have the advice of past-Randy and a ton of other people to thank for it. To commenters, fellow depression fighters, friends, donors, and Alan at Whole Foods—I am so incredibly grateful to you for getting a man up a mountain.  Thank you!

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7 comments

  1. Carol Harlig

    My dear Randy,
    Your latest update was a ray of sunshine here on a dreary, rainy/snowy day in Sun Valley, Idaho! Your wonderful way with words, your sharing of setbacks and triumphs (which only show that you’re human) and your willingness to open yourself up to us shows such tremendous courage!! So dump the junk food, turn off the TV and get out on your bike again. We’re with you every step of the way, dear friend.
    XO, Carol

  2. Becky

    Randy, I noticed something about this post and I wonder if you notice it. Yes you slipped back a little into the habit of unhappiness. And it is a habit and one you had for a long time, which means sometimes there will be setbacks. But you know that already. What I noticed is that you did not beat yourself up for this setback! I’m so proud of you for this. Do you realize what progress this is???!!!!! You are overcoming a habit and a way of life that you had for many years. You will have setbacks along the way. But look at the great change in you of being accepting of yourself and that you will have challenges. Beat your body up on those hills as much as you want. I’m really glad that you aren’t beating up your heart and your soul, the one that has been filled with the love, concern and well wishes of friends and strangers. You keep climbing those hills, the ones that make you shift into low gear, the ones that make you dig deep into your being to find the strength to keep climbing, strength that you sometimes can’t imagine where it is going to come from. But it comes. Am I talking about the biking or the path to recovery and happiness. Hmmm??? So be gentle with yourself, you have a long way to travel together. Best wishes!

    • randyscotthyde

      Becky, I wish I could jump through this computer and hug the charles dickens out of you. I actually didn’t notice this. Thank you for pointing it out and for your encouragement!

  3. Gail Tosti

    Here is something else to notice: (bigger picture alert!) Do you think it is maybe a bit harder (and I hope you’ll think it more “worth it”) because you are dragging a bunch of us along with you? You truly are, you know. Thank you.

  4. The One You Feed (@oneyoufeed)

    Randy….glad to see you on the upswing. I think this is a feature of depression. It is cyclical. I’ve learned to try and treat it like I would the flu. I feel crappy but I try not to get into what it means or start thinking there is something wrong with my life. When I have the flu I know I feel sick and that my outlook is all screwed up. I try and take care of myself and remember it will pass. I call it the Emotional or Spiritual Flu. It comes, it goes. I wish it didn’t, just like I wish I didn’t ever get sick but I do. The good news is that the severity of it seems to get less over time.

    Take care my friend.

  5. Eileen

    What’s happening?! I hope you are doing your daily meditation and exercise at least! I cannot mentally prepare for the day, unless I spend at least 15 minutes meditating in the morning. Where can someone write you instead of posting on this?

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