5 Weeks Remaining

I’m not one to complain.  Hahaha!  Sorry, I couldn’t even type that without laughing.  OK, I am one to complain.  I try not to do it out loud so much because I know how annoying it is, but I complain a lot in my head.  Sometimes out loud more than I should.  But this particular mental bitch fest has grown so loud the past couple of weeks that I have to let it out.  Here’s the deal:  I am so god-d&#% sick of cycling that I am a spoke’s length away from throwing this fu@&ing bike over the next mother-freakin’ hill that dares to shove it’s ugly f-in head in my G.D. face.  Seriously.  Sick.  To.  Death.

It takes up all of my weekends.  It’s hard as hell.  I’m achy and hungry every damn day.  I’m spending more money than I have on spandex and electrolyte tablets for Christ’s sakes!  Who the hell does this?  And people are singing show tunes behind me when I can barely breathe while pedaling up a mountain that a car would have trouble with.  No.  Just no.  I’m done.  I’ll keep going.  But I’m done.  Not really.  But really.  But not.  Remember when I said how fun it was?  How nice it was to be out in nature and the friendliness of all the riders and community?  How the challenge was challenging but so meaningful and yada yada?  Well, that may all be true, but I’m done.  But not really.  But I am.  In my head.  I hate it.  I hate all of it.

5 weeks remaining

“You must go on, I can’t go on, I’ll go on.”  This is the new mantra.  It’s also the mantra I use when I’m depressed.  Is there such a thing as bike depression?  If so, I’m having it hard.  I suspect, though, it’s a natural phase in any challenge you take on, a moment when the work clearly becomes work.  My higher self says this to me, somewhere I know it’s true, but the me self says “suck it, higher self.”  I’m tired, and I want my weekends back.  I also feel great.  And I have no idea how to reconcile that.  So I’ll go on.  But know that if I could cycle while kicking and screaming without possibly dying, I would totally try that.  So in short, I hate it.  But I’ll keep going.

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8 comments

  1. Gail Tosti

    You bitch funny. Which is why you need to keep writing. Somewhere. Can you write on the bike? Or is it just “inspiration”? Anyway, besides amusing me a lot, as you did this morning, you inspire me! I am encouraged by you (not sure to do what, exactly, but to “man up” when it becomes necessary sometime. And we know it always will become necessary. Sometime). So, even though I am some old lady living far away whom you’ve never met….does that help? Hope so. Food for thought: if this experience doesn’t ultimately turn you into one of those spandex wearing, bike riding, this is what I like to do on the weekends guys…at least you know for sure you don’t want that. And other than the $ invested into it you haven’t really lost all that much, but learned a lot. And since you have gotten as far as you have, don’t you think the world is just chock full of challenging things to try? (personally, I have taken up watercolor painting. At around 50, and spending the previous 50 barely able to doodle my name, let alone being drawn to making pictures on paper. Well, previous to that my pictures were with a camera, which changes the way that you see. Without the camera or paint you have changed the way that you see. And are definitely doing that better. For me, 10-ish years down the road from picking up the paint brush I am turning out some things I really like and am so proud of! When you do this ride, I believe you will be so proud of yourself you will barely be able to stand it. Nice! (at the very least, it will be behind you, not in front of you. Whew!)

  2. Becky

    Randy, I won’t go into all the great reasons for why you are doing this. It won’t stop you from hating that bike. So all I will say is hate it as much as you want but I will bet that your legs look awesome and you can probably now bounce a quarter off your ass. :).

  3. Fran

    I understand totally..I did that ride too many years ago to count – I didn’t train properly and I am overweight….oh and I got 3rd degree sunburns (disgusting painful blisters all over my calves) on the first day out…I had to ride completely covered for the rest of the journey (it was about 100 degrees every f’g day) BUT I did it and so can you…just keep pedaling and when you coast down the hills, enjoy the wind in your hair. Good Luck

  4. Sandra Sallin

    This was the best smile I’ve had in ages. You are hysterical. I love how you hate “the bike.” Love, love your writing. Such a treat to read you. Thanks for the smile. I reread your last email to me. I am guilty of not following your advice. I will. Soon. Now to read your nest post.

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